“He is just capricious!”,” Leave to cry!”,” You will spoil him!”. Such comments can often be heard, especially from the older people. Many were raised, afraid to “love too much”. Is there a grain of truth in this approach?
To begin with, it is worth noting that uninvited advisers, confident in their experts, are very annoying. Many parents had to communicate with them and learn to abandon “valuable instructions”.
Where do ideas come from?
“It seems that these advisers want children from infancy to become adults,” writes Psychology Professor Darcia NarvaES and compares this approach to the theories of early behaviorists, in particular, John Watson. In the education guide of 1928, he recommended parents to ignore children so that they would not grow in annoying students.
Other official brochures of that time also did not advise nursing babies. The age psychology and development of the child then did not know anything, writes NarvaES: “They had no idea how toxic stress at an early age is toxic for developing child systems”. Research in this area continues today, but the approaches are changing.
In Western culture, it was customary to treat people as a kind of “machines” – hence the high requirements for self -control, the priority of work and performance over independence and individuality.
From generation to generation, these
ideas were transmitted along with a taboo for tenderness and a kind of resentment
One of us also heard: “I grew up without it, and I am in order-it means that he will cost”. In the mid-90s, the first generation was born in Russia, which grew up on disposable diapers. And many grandmothers then declared to young parents: “Pampering is all. We raised you without diapers, erased ourselves – and nothing, raised ”.
Another reason, according to the psychologist, is in an attempt to instill in the child independence, which in this case was perceived as a readiness for the difficulties of life, a kind of “hardening”. As a result, the children suffered from the lack of affection and proximity to parents, anxiety and other problems.
The truth is what babies need
The desire to “not spoil the child” in relation to the newborn from the point of view of psychologists does not correspond to the tasks that are faced with the parents.
Children really demand a lot – attention, time, effort. For them to grow healthy, their needs must be satisfied. The brain volume of only 25% of the adults born on time. Normal biochemical processes determine the growth of relations of its cells and full development. Up to about 6 years, a child is formed up to 90% of the brain volume. This is a good reason to consider the most important task to support the child and satisfy his needs.
Based on research data, NarvaES writes: “In traditional societies, so that the newborn is satisfied, it is customary to monitor his gestures and grimaces”. Hunting collectors carefully observe the child and quickly fit if they notice the first signs of anxiety.
It is better to start a mother from birth to mark which signals and when he gives – and over time it will happen automatically
In the first 18 months, the baby gets used to living outside the uterus, without the constant support of the placenta and determining its development of the biochemistry of the maternal body. Therefore, he needs to rely on his mother and other guardians, whose task is to help the child learn various types of functioning. And care only about nutrition and change of diapers will not solve all problems and will not help full development.
When the “well -wishers” tell young parents not to spoil the child, they actually convince: “Burn your heart. Do not answer when he signals his needs “. And following such advice, parents give the child a message: “Do not count on my help. You are alone. Do not report your needs. Ignore them “. And so they destroy the trust of the child, explains NarvaES.
But the “human cub” is always born immature so that it needs constant tactile contact and the physical presence of the one who will take care of it. This is our nature. Without laying a strong foundation, do not build a house. And if we want our children to be resistant to stress and life difficulties, it is extremely important from the very beginning to maintain their proper development.